The Needs of the Parent vs Love for Life

There is a lot of wisdom being expressed from a few women that I have been following. I saw a post on Facebook and asked if I can share her stuff when it resonates with my mission; this is one post that triggered an incident of my own that I passed down to my son.

"So many mothers, and I’d like to repeat that, (mothers)are on platforms taking videos of their kids on the first day of school. I'm talking about the young ones like SK and JK. The videos are of how the child, once they see the parent start running to them, starts crying hysterically.

The thing to pay attention to is when you were creeping up on your child to find them, they seemed fine, until they see you. Then the crying and relief on their little faces start. Can you imagine what they’ve had to do to calm themselves down to stay in that environment?

Here's the thing, this is where the kids learn how to develop coping skills, but not in a good way. I believe this is where those cycles of traumas start.

Think what you want, but watching these videos of mothers posting these videos is gross. Are they getting pleasure out of this? I’m just saying, what’s the point of it.

If I could go back to when my child first started school, I’d do it differently, meaning I wouldn't have sent her to school that young. It forever changed and affected her life to this day.

She freaked for weeks while the teacher insisted that I leave her and that the children all do this and end up fine. Well, I guess so they’ve had no choice.

The principal at the time would grab her arm and walk down the hall with her. She screamed her head off, and I had to walk away in the opposite direction, wondering if I was doing the right thing. But of course, I was told she'd be fine; all or most of the kids cry like this. At what point did we think to ourselves that this was "ok." Blows my mind today.

The person I am today would have pulled her from school at that moment. I eventually did and she was home schooled until she graduated. School just wasn’t for her. She’s book smart and had the ability to learn but her personality wasn’t suited for that type of environment. She couldn’t thrive.

The kids have no choice these days and, as any child would do, they develop ways to deal with this themselves.

We live in this society where at 4-5 years old, we put them in place all day with people they don’t know, and they have to SIT, LISTEN AND OBEY suddenly. You better hope the teacher they get isn't traumatised themselves with toxic behaviours and shitty attitudes.

It’s crazy to me now when I think back on what we’ve been programmed to believe is the right thing to do.

School settings and environments are not for everyone, but we force this upon all our kids.

The same goes for day cares.

We’ve taught our kids very early not to trust us, how can they when we leave them scared and vulnerable. One of the first traumas to start is in the nervous system: it’s fight or flight, yet we think we’re doing it out of love.

Our society has created a mess of the human species, and it shows today with so many mental health issues and illnesses and how we go about life with ourselves and loved ones.

Thank god, as young kids, we don’t remember how we felt when our parents left us, but I can tell you this, the body does because it’s been keeping score of shit like this your whole life."

Contributed by Katrina Dicks

I replied: "Great read! This just brought up a traumatic memory. I was pulled from my mom's arms, with my skirt up around my head, fighting to not go to class. I ended up having to sit by myself in the coat room till I could sit properly with the others." My mom needed to go to work for her own sanity, but because she didn't, I needed to go to school, but I felt so insecure about attending another environment that would be too busy to have my needs get met. I was a nervous child. The school system was not designed to deal with children that needed reassurance and one-on-one time to instil security with belonging to an environment that most likely would offend the innocence of the child, knowing what is needed to fit in, while staying whole in one's self.

And then I reflect on my own children and it's my first son that has me recognise the sign of trauma that's been stated above. His dad and I had a tumultuous relationship. I went back to school and put my son into daycare. The providers said he was good and got along with everyone (he is a very personable person) but when he saw me, he resisted leaving and would cry and not listen. I didn't understand what was going on and why he seemed to hate me but reflecting on it now, he probably needed me to be an empathetic presence who was there for him; just like I needed at his age. I made a choice to better myself but maybe I needed to make a choice that would have been better for him at the time (I had mother's allowance to do that).

But isn't that living: we wish we knew then what we know now. And that's why I am sharing what I know now, because I wish someone would have taught it to me back then.

The wounds get handed down until we wake up and change the systemic status quo by making a different choice. And we need information to be able to do that.

I watched a video on YouTube that asked what someone missed about themselves and the answer that was the most popular was "self-confidence," as the world they grow up with, took the innocence of their own existence, away from feeling it had the right to belong, as is.

And what takes innocence away more than a camera to record it all, and then posted?

More on this for another post.

Back to the topic at hand: I did some child care in my home about 25 years ago. I cared for a little boy and a little girl. The girl had trauma. I could see it in her body movements that she repetitively played out when stressed. I don't know what stressed her out. I didn't have the capacity to understand it so even though I tried my best to engage with her, I didn't know how to truly care for her. And then I was put on bed rest with my pregnancy so these children had to find another alternative in their care. And the cycle of trauma gets reinforced if the next caretaker doesn't recognise the signs of stress and offset with the care that's needed. I truly believe this girls' stress was being put into care in the first place. Her mom was a single caretaker and needed to work but the girl needed to be in the arms of her mother. It's a hard existence playing out.

Please, whether you are a parent or a grandparent, put yourself in the child's shoes to empathise with what they need to feel safe and secure. Don't force them into a situation if they don't show signs of wanting to engage. Just because they are little humans, does not mean that they lack discernment for their own well being. It's amazing to watch toddlers (and babies!) expressing dislike for something a parent is trying to push onto them. They ain't nobody's fool. Please, accept this truth and respect it. Be creative and look for alternatives. But most of all, observe the intent behind your choice, and see if it's selfishness in needing personal needs to get met, or love for life for your beloved, being the intent that will be met appropriately.

Yes, reality dictates a certain fate. But this is what "free will" represents: to choose minding this reality real, or to trust that the Realm of Divinity has your back, and will create another situation that will fulfil the need for life to take over. Faith needs to be at play. The response you want, might not arrive the way you want or expect it to, but it will be what will save you.

Love for Life came about when you choose to keep and give birth to this soul coming into existence. This choice is a bond made with the Realm of Divinity, who provides life for this presence.